Its been 4-weeks-and-1-day, we went to church today and went to the funeral home to finalize everything. We planned to choose an urn to bring my baby Alanna's ashes home. We wanted to do this before her 40 days. I was feeling a bit scared to go back in the funeral home, being there brings sadness because
the memory that my baby was there instead of being at home. But someone has to do it, I needed to be strong-- need to do this for Her.
So I went inside with my eldest son, KC while daddy and my two kids-- Ava and Ross stayed in the car. I did not know how and what to say when I came in. I did not know how to start the conversation, how do i start? what do i say? so hard to say that I was there to select and buy an urn for my dead baby's ashes. It just felt so wrong (saying that my baby is dead) but when I came in, for some reason looking at them and just saying few words, they know what I wanted to do there and what I wanted to say. (I had to bite my lip, take a deep breath and control my emotions and for me not to shed tears in front of them.) I guess the people in the homes has been doing this for years that they know why people come. I was so proud of myself that I was able to talk to the lady there without breaking a tear but of course deep inside I felt a stab in my heart and wanted to start crying.
The lady from the funeral home showed me a room full of coffins and urns, I was overwhelmed with so many selections that I had to ask KC to call his dad to come inside. I went around the room and looked at all the displays they have. In my head, I started to think and wish that I'm not there choosing her urn but instead I'm in a mall choosing Her baby clothes. Heartbroken, again, deep breath and hold my tears. Then daddy came and help me decide which one we are going to pick. As we were going around checking things on their display, there it was-- the urn I have in my mind-- A baby angel sleeping and a teardrop for a keepsake.
The lady mentioned to us that we dont have to wait for a week to order and wait for the urns to be delivered. She mentioned that they have a lot of those stock so we can go back in the afternoon to pick her urns. I felt happy because her I thought that will be perfect because her first month birthday is coming up so it would be nice for us to have Her at home with us.
We went to the mall to give them time to put her ashes in the urn. We ended up going back for her in the evening. Again, feeling awkward, I went inside the funeral homes and hoping that the lady I spoke to is there to welcome me. Luckily, she was there so once she saw my face, I didn't have to worry about explaining to them why I was there. She smiled at me and I tried to smile back. I thank her for her assistance and then I left hoping that I will never go back to that place again. Don't get me wrong, the staff are very nice, its the memories being there that I dont want to be back there EVER again.
Coming home and opening the door is the most painful thing that happen that day. I thought I'll be happy because I came home with my dear Alanna. But then it struck me! Im still coming home with no baby in my arms. AGAIN-- how I wish things are different.
Hi Alanna,
Welcome home baby. Sorry if mommy was hesitating to come to the funeral, its just brings back sad memories. Sorry for delaying picking up you urn for your ashes, it just that mommy hates shopping for urn when I was wishing that mommy was shopping for your baby clothes instead.
Finally your home, but how I still wish I'm bringing home a crying you in a carseat but I guess I will never hear you cry.. not even see you grow. Mommy miss you and loves you so.
kisses,
Mommy♥
the memory that my baby was there instead of being at home. But someone has to do it, I needed to be strong-- need to do this for Her.
So I went inside with my eldest son, KC while daddy and my two kids-- Ava and Ross stayed in the car. I did not know how and what to say when I came in. I did not know how to start the conversation, how do i start? what do i say? so hard to say that I was there to select and buy an urn for my dead baby's ashes. It just felt so wrong (saying that my baby is dead) but when I came in, for some reason looking at them and just saying few words, they know what I wanted to do there and what I wanted to say. (I had to bite my lip, take a deep breath and control my emotions and for me not to shed tears in front of them.) I guess the people in the homes has been doing this for years that they know why people come. I was so proud of myself that I was able to talk to the lady there without breaking a tear but of course deep inside I felt a stab in my heart and wanted to start crying.
The lady from the funeral home showed me a room full of coffins and urns, I was overwhelmed with so many selections that I had to ask KC to call his dad to come inside. I went around the room and looked at all the displays they have. In my head, I started to think and wish that I'm not there choosing her urn but instead I'm in a mall choosing Her baby clothes. Heartbroken, again, deep breath and hold my tears. Then daddy came and help me decide which one we are going to pick. As we were going around checking things on their display, there it was-- the urn I have in my mind-- A baby angel sleeping and a teardrop for a keepsake.
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The lady mentioned to us that we dont have to wait for a week to order and wait for the urns to be delivered. She mentioned that they have a lot of those stock so we can go back in the afternoon to pick her urns. I felt happy because her I thought that will be perfect because her first month birthday is coming up so it would be nice for us to have Her at home with us.
We went to the mall to give them time to put her ashes in the urn. We ended up going back for her in the evening. Again, feeling awkward, I went inside the funeral homes and hoping that the lady I spoke to is there to welcome me. Luckily, she was there so once she saw my face, I didn't have to worry about explaining to them why I was there. She smiled at me and I tried to smile back. I thank her for her assistance and then I left hoping that I will never go back to that place again. Don't get me wrong, the staff are very nice, its the memories being there that I dont want to be back there EVER again.
Coming home and opening the door is the most painful thing that happen that day. I thought I'll be happy because I came home with my dear Alanna. But then it struck me! Im still coming home with no baby in my arms. AGAIN-- how I wish things are different.
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Welcome home baby. Sorry if mommy was hesitating to come to the funeral, its just brings back sad memories. Sorry for delaying picking up you urn for your ashes, it just that mommy hates shopping for urn when I was wishing that mommy was shopping for your baby clothes instead.
Finally your home, but how I still wish I'm bringing home a crying you in a carseat but I guess I will never hear you cry.. not even see you grow. Mommy miss you and loves you so.
kisses,
Mommy♥
I have the sleeping angel urn for Gabriel's ashes as well. It is nice to have him home, but still heartbreaking in so many ways. It helped me a lot to make a special place for his ashes... I set his angel urn on a nice table along with candles, heart shaped rocks, a vase of flowers, a jar of seashells and some other special items. It's comforting to have a place to go to be with him.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear that both of us has the same sleeping angel urn and also the same day 19th(only a month apart). For now, her urn is on our table, I dont have a place to put her yet but we have her on our table with her picture, flowers, rosary, mama mary, cross, angel and stuff toy. Hopefully soon we will be able to find a place for her urn. To be honest, I dont know where yet.. Which part of your house did you put yours? any suggestion? I have a 23 month old boy and Im just scared that if we put it somewhere open that he will reach out and break it. Even now, he loves touching the baby angel. Hoping to find a perfect spot for Her soon!
DeleteAnna - If you would like to order a candle from Ethan's Flame, you can have it shipped to my address in California and I'd be happy to mail it to you. I just love my candle so much... I know you will too! (Just email me at carryinganangel@gmail.com and I'll email you back my address)
ReplyDeleteAlso, we put Gabriel's urn in our "bedroom"... which is just a corner space in our open loft (no walls to separate the rooms). But if I had a real house, I think I'd put his ashes on a sideboard in a hallway or the living room. As far as your little one goes, the only thing I can think of is to put it up high enough that he can't reach it or leave it in a room that is carpeted... I don't think the figurine would be harmed if it fell on carpet. Or maybe just surround it with stuffed animals and other items that your son would be more interested in. I read a story once of a couple who once a week would take their daughter's ashes and gather with their other 2 children to read the Bible & children's stories as a family, and they would let the kids touch the urn at that time. The rest of the time the kids knew that they were not supposed to touch the urn without their parents' permission... though I think they were a little older than your son.